The GNWT announced a record-breaking capital expenditure today, surprising many economic analysts who predicted fiscal restraint from the government. It plans to spend almost $30 billion on a stairway to the metaphysical celestial plane commonly referred to as heaven.
Robert Page, Chief Engineer for the GNWT, announced the massive project on behalf of the GNWT during a press conference this morning.
“About a month ago, I slipped while in the bathtub, hitting my head pretty badly. Then there was a blinding white light and suddenly Saint Matthew, the Patron Saint of capital expenditures, appeared in the sky riding a giant flaming raven. He told me that I was to begin construction immediately on the greatest infrastructure project this planet has ever seen,” said a wild-eyed Page.
“We actually began the tendering process weeks ago, although to this date no one has submitted a proposal or even requested the RFP document. Matthew told me that I would be beset by challenges. Oh, I forgot to mention, the raven spoke to me, as well… he’s not a fan of the new city garbage bins. He sounded a lot like Gilbert Gottfried.”
Stunned reporters were at first unable to pose any questions to Page. Eventually a single reporter managed to blurt an exasperated “why?”
All-weather connection to heaven
Page explained the North has long been isolated from the heavens, often having to rely on intermediates, such as priests, rabbis and attractive yoga instructors to communicate spiritually. “These things all cost money, from collection plate fees to skin-tight lululemon pants. The cost savings should be huge for northerners. Just look at what the bridge has done for our cost of living. The cost has gone up, sure, but now we have an awesome bridge,” said Page.
The base of the stairs is to be constructed in an area of dense bedrock between downtown and Old Town.
When questioned about the possibility that heaven might not be directly above the Northwest Territories, Page dismissed the criticism as unscientific. “Every mention of the heavens in the bible and movies says it’s up in the sky. It has to be above us. If it were on the other side of the planet, that would be down. You don’t go down to heaven. Heaven is not Edmonton.”
Asked about what he intends to do once in heaven, Page said he’d like to see his childhood Dog, and tell him that he’s sorry for feeding him all that chocolate. “He was a chocolate Lab… I thought it meant he loved chocolate,” said a misty eyed Page.
Not everyone agrees the project has merit. One local businessman who owns a drilling company said the project is infeasible, and would rather see the specs changed.
“Personally, I think it makes more sense to drill down. The cost would be a fraction of what the GNWT is proposing, and I think if you asked the people of the North, they’d much rather see the GNWT go to hell.”
